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The Pure Cure

By Tom Montgomery Fate

Remember the President’s odd little Bible-waving session last month?  Here is the talk that I thought he was going to give that day.

“Thank you for coming.  I wasn’t expecting such an enormous crowd.

“Let me first say, that this is a really, really good book.  We all know that.  But I’m excited to announce today, that it is also an incredibly powerful weapon in the war against China.  Or, uh, I mean China Flu.

“I call it ‘The Pure Cure.’ Most doctors are already saying it’s 100% effective. No one thought it possible.  But my experts—elite CEOS and CFOS from the greatest companies on earth—have done extensive research.  And what we’ve found, in two separate month-long trials—testing everything from monkeys to mice to beetles—is that this big, beautiful book––even in small doses, can stop the China Flu.

“And, realize, that we’re not talking about the future. “The Pure Cure” is here now.   We’ve converted hundreds of wind turbine factories in Iowa into huge publishing houses.  Today alone we produced more than one million copies.  One million!  That’s more Bibles than they could crank out when Jesus was alive!

“And though packaged in Vietnam, The Pure Cure is a QUALITY America-made product.  Not those cheap green “Giddy Ones,” that they put in my hotels.  No. These are huge books.  They weigh three pounds, and have little red tassels and gold lettering.  As I speak, we’re rushing thousands of copies to Arizona and Iowa and Florida, and to any legal American who has tested positive, is threatening to test positive, or is just a positive person.

“Even more stunning: ‘The Pure Cure” DOES NOT REQUIRE READING.  So it’s even safe for little babies.  So, while I’ve of course read the whole thing myself––there’s just no proof that it enhances the treatment.

“The Pure Cure works for one reason alone: the Bible has a higher level of VACCINALITY that any other drug we’ve ever tested.  No had ever considered that a Holy Book might have a stronger vaccinality than a drug, or work like a drug.  Which is why reading doesn’t matter. You just lay your brand new government copy of The Pure Cure on top of the Flatscreen nearest your bed each night.

Though I don’t want to discourage you from reading––The Bible, or Readers Digest, or Sports Illustrated––or anything else.  Like I said, I’m a big reader.  So let me share a few highlights for those who are Bibleo-Files.

First, it’s a very long book, with very small letters, and very thin pages.  But I thought there were some amazing big league players.  Very strong.  The main characters in the first part built a huge construction business with a slave labor force that had perfect employment—100%.  And 100% employment for women too—for what they called ‘conk-you-binds,’ which was a very good-paying job back then.

So, they were all doing tremendous work, with phenomenal results.  Some people don’t even know that they were the ones who invented the “Pera-mints,” which you’ve probably heard of.  Peramints were very big back then.  I think Nestle owns them now.  An AMAZING company.

The second half of the book is mainly about this Jewish guy.  You know who I mean. And I know the Left is gonna rant about this, but he was a wimp. He’s anti-government, anti-military, anti-business, didn’t marry, or even have a girlfriend I don’t think.  And he’s weak.  I think he even says “Blessed are the weak.”  And he’s scraggly.  And he loves his enemies! That’s not gonna work.

And so, big surprise: he gets in trouble, gets caught, resists arrest, and gets strung up.  What did he expect? The police gotta do their job.  Let’s face it he’s kind of a loser.  Most think he was illegal.  But you can read it for yourself.

Speaking of which: I’m hoping you’ll all do your patriotic duty here and purchase a copy of The Pure Cure.  Because we’re producing them at such an incredible rate, I can offer you a signed copy for $19.99 if you make a $500.00 donation to my campaign.  And, shipping is absolutely free.

And remember, reading is optional.

(Please note that this article is copyrighted and may not be reprinted or shared without the author’s permission or that of The Chicago Tribune.  Thank you.)

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